In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
