I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
