We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
