im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize