Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
