Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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