I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize