I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
