There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
