I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
