Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
