i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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