sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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