If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
