It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
