and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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