Can i not drive my cunt home
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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