if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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