So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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