one might say we're banned from that church
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
