Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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