we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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