he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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