Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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