nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
