i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
