I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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