my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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