sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
that is very illegal...i love you.
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