I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
