I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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