why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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