shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
