Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
