So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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