Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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