it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
