I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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