She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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