you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
