tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
