Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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