I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
