Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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