I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
