I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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