apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
