Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
