Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
