I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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