I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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