Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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