he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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